wanted to blog last night but went to slp... and kinda forgot about it =p

but anyway yesterday i was pondering (once again) the reason for our existence... what do i live for? why do i persist with my exams... studying (okok slack most of the time lah but still), going about the daily rituals... the past few days have been quite dull.. sianess. its more than just being in the "exams are over... but not really over" limbo, i think its more of a "what am i doing" kinda feeling.

well anyway when i was coming out of the shower getting ready for bed... suddenly i heard the lyrics of my hillsongs cd (got two new ones ystd heh) playing... and it went 'everyday, its you i live for' and it made me wonder again.. like, so qiao! just when i was really doubting the reasons for my existence, then i hear those lyrics. i kinda believe in coincedences, and i hate all those conspiracy theories sometimes, especially the paranoia that follows it. but i also believe in some sense the existence of fate, not the kind of fate u find in greek tragedies, but the kind of fate that is like... some things happen because they were meant to happen. kinda like God's interference i guess.. all these reminders about His love just pop up whenever i need it the most... and of course once He's pulled me out of my troubles i forget all about HIm until the next cycle begins... kinda like automatic stabilisers.. haha okok no more econs. but i know i need to get back on the right path... knowing doesnt get me anywhere though. i always seem to know what to do, what to say.

i was just thinking that if there was one animal i would resemble best, it would be a chameleon. able to blend and morph to fit any situation... able to fit in pretty much wherever i want. but who's the real me? *sigh*

slp calls... going to ssc tmrw to bowl and fool around hahaha.. =D thousand times better than stoning at home as i have been doing blehz.




3 days of slacking is amazingly tiring.
sigh. really. really tiring.

learned a lot from this prelims... well its not even over yet =p but i always seem to learn the same lessons during prelims and exams tt dont really count... hahaha. guess i just cant get motivated when i know its not the real thing... slackers code! lalala.
not tt im really motivated for anything anyway... what are results? i dont know why i care so much about results... maybe its just the "want to do well" feeling and not really the "i do well cos i like the subject, or cos i want to get a scholarship, or go places" cos well, liking a subject and studying it in the retarded way that we have to is completely different, im not really interested in scholarships (hmm this one i dont know why) and i going places... how to say. maybe i might regret some of the choices i make in the future... but i know that i'm already "some place".. do i really need good results to do what i want in life? being who i am and accepting it is so much more important... haha exams mean nothing to me... they are just like a learning curve, a stepping stone onto learning more about who i am and what i can be. and i know that im not motivated =p oh well.

headache headache! my bed never looks more appealing on nights like these =)




bleh... first day of my 3 day break before my econs paper and im so tired! -_- had to go down to cmpd in the morning... what a waste of time. i hate our inefficient civil service. i spent 2 hours there for the smo to tell me "oh didnt they schedule a appointment with a specialist for you? ok we'll do that now, thx" so technically i didnt even need to go back to cmpd anymore, its just tt because they didnt make an appointment, i had to go down for them to find out that they didnt make an appointment for me... sian! :p the dumbest part is that i know its some hereditary thingie that doesnt do anything (basically one of those things that science still fails to explain, like what use the gall bladder is for;or one of the other organs =p) double sian.

was raining just now! i love it when it rains.. it can be so hot sometimes, and its best to sleep when it rains =) hm... its just best to sleep lah haha.

zzzzZZZZzzzzz




Your mercy found me
upon the broken road
and lifted me beyond my failing
into Your glory
my sin and shame dissolved
and forever Yours i'll stand

in love never to end
to call You more than Lord
glorious friend

so i throw my life upon all that You are
cause i know You gave it all for me
and when all else fades
my soul will dance with You
where the love last forever

Luke: keep dancing... God will always dance with you. And so will we. =)




wah the judges on singapore idol are so... whats the word. temperemental. and bloody rude! tsk no class at all... oh well.. just adds to the drama. everything so drama drama one... heh at least its entertaining. daphne khoo is not bad... haha tt david guy is so noisy. ohh and the last girl who sang hero! =p and of course... jia you ac alumni! hahaha so high... after monday i'll be freeeee!!!!!!

anyhow managed to survive the day! was really freaked out before... but luckily prayed about it and calmed down... turns out the questions werent as hard as the sample questions i read *whew* all in all i think i managed to pull through... hoping for a good healthy C hehe =p
no time to rest though... monday might be shiok but only after 6 hours of lit and geog :s

wah really high... did you know tt 7 boings make a boingboingboingboingboingboingboing!
*wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

is there love tonight
when everyones dreaming
of a better life in this world
divided by fear *diveded by fear*
you've gotta believe that there's a reason we're here
there's a reason we're here *ohhh yeahhh*
cos these are the days worth living
these are the years worth giving
these are the moments
these are the times
lets make the best out of our lives
see the truth all around
*ooo* faith can be broken
and our hands can be bound *ohh*
but open our heartsssssss *hearts*
and fill up the emptiness
with nothing to stop us
is it not worth the risk
is it not worth the risk

it sure is!! =D




you reached out and rescued me... answer to my dreams
and love hung on a cross so we could meet

calmed my restlessness... words fail to express
there's nowhere i would rather be than with you

the whole earth falls to its knees
at the sound of Your beautiful name
and all the voices in the world unify today
to bring You this song of praise

i call on You my King... You open Your arms to me
and embrace me like a father to a child

the whole earth falls to its knees
at the sound of Your beautiful name
and all the voices in the world unify today
to bring You this song of praise




i dont think i've ever been this unprepared for a paper before... much less lit. i miss the days when lit was fun and enjoyable... *sigh* i really hate the subject now.

dreading the paper in two and a half hours now... bleh.




tiring day... having gp in the morning and econs paper 3 in the afternoon is seriously draining :S thought i would like just crash halfway during the econs paper could feel my head pounding heh... not to mention my right hand suffering from non-stop writing writing writing... must get used to it bleh.

anyhows yay got through it! maybe i wont fail econs afterall... all tt studying might actually pay off :D think i might have misintepreted one question though... hope i can still pass ;p if i can pass my essays then i should be safe! sigh slacked the whole day away though... just didnt feel like doing any work after the papers.. luckily tmrws an off day heh.

meanwhile... slaaaaaackkkk!




guess i've survived... :p with a headache and a shivering arm and one less paper to go... heh =)

*yawn*




just watched the handing over ceremony at istana... somehow i felt compelled to watch it even though i didnt really want to watch it at first... and needed to study anyway (but when has tt ever stopped me from doing other things =p)

it was quite interesting... seeing the swearing in of first the PM then the rest of the ministers.. i know who they are now! heh (khemani would be so proud) it was quite short though... nothing much except speech and swearing in =p nothing v fancy either.. all v proper and such :p still it wasnt boring like i thought... was quite interesting infact, especially when u consider that such things only happen like once in a decade or more.. heh still reeks of nepotism i tell you! (haha)

heh told my mom that one day i'll be there... as the camera man =p i dunno but i found it quite inspiring.. like "wow, maybe i could be there one day" maybe not as a minister... but as someone important heh. got a letter inviting me for some psc seminar... probably a follow up from the aptitude test thingie. maybe there's a career to be had in the public sector after all.. haha i could be the next... erh... i'll start the ministry of slacking... haha my fav job :D

hmm i wonder where everything will lead me... havent really thought about it much but maybe trying for a scholarship is an option that i shouldnt close out... my laidbackness might be the end of me :s all i've been thinking is like ok, straight path, after As, go ns, then from there figure out which local U (smu or nus) i'd go for.. never thought about going overseas like my bro, keep thinking that i cant bear to leave. *sigh* and i thought i've made difficult choices before... =p

i like being able to sit back and let things come at me as they will.. but i know that sometimes i just need to get off my lazy ass and do something =p like study! AHHHHHHHH. prelims on monday prelims on monday prelims on monday... econs is killer, it takes me like 3 hours to scrap through 30 pages! ARGH.

but this will be the first time i've finished studying for a subject like, before the day of the paper =D infact its... 4 days before my econs paper! celebration... haha =) back to studying ;p




*yawn* really drained from studying econs... i hate econs! or at least the idea of studying it... i mean reading about the current state of world economics and stuff is at least kinda interesting.. i dunno i guess i like the like human interest aspect of all stuff heh =p anyhow i feel like i might be in trouble... havent started studying human geography yet and its the first paper on monday -_- gp and econs essay the next day... then a break before e1 (hardtimes/a&c/othello) i am doomed! the first week will kill me... ugh i better finish econs tmrw... hoping to finish agriculture tomorrow as well.. i dont know anything about agriculture and tourism eeps. luckily human geog is kinda bullshittable.. =p

meanwhile... kinda contemplating life again. at this stage.. 18 yrs.. going through probably the hardest exam ever, then a short break before onto NS... doesnt seem v appealing :s our youth is supposed to be the most enjoyable time of our life... everyone always says "wait until your'e working" but it if gets worse than this... whats the point of living? whats the point of existence when the most enjoyable time is merely relative? i mean, i know all the finer points in life exist, and like well i guess it is enjoyable, but the endless stream of trials and pressures just seem to make it all redundant. on the reverse side its easy to say that all the joys of life ease the tribulations.. but it swings both ways time to time... and right now it just seems like the pressures are larger and much more daunting. oh well... press on press on! haha i sound so motivated =p

the days pass faster now... but somehow the end doesnt seem in sight. *sigh*

this is such a sad song... :(

i dont know your face no more, or feel the touch that i adore
i dont know your face no more, its just a place im looking for

we might as well be strangers in another town
we might as well be living in a different world
we might as well

i dont know your thoughts these days
we're strangers in an empty space
i dont understand your heart
its easier to be apart

we might as well be strangers in another town
we might as well be living in another time
we might as well be strangers

for all i know of you now
for all i know

when everything changes, its the things that stay the same that mean the most; you know something means a lot to you when you dont want it to change.







*sigh* i wish i wasnt so inhibited sometimes.. that i could express who i truly am and let my reflection in the mirror reveal everything that represents me.

words and actions will always fail to convey the true me. or at least the true depth of feeling.

because i realise tt when stung, i retreat, 'once bitten twice shy' indeed. nothing ever stays the same, but somehow it never changes for the good.

i dont think my blog is an accurate representation of who i am anymore. i dont think it ever was.

i dont even know what im talking about :s

everytime i try to fly i fall... without my wings i feel so small.





cause i have felt the cold rain run down my face...

and again im not studying but instead spending my time doing other stuff... studying just seems like such a waste of time sometimes. i sit there and i realise why i hate reading my notes so much.. because its so pointless, its the same as sitting and doing nothing, its like waiting for something to happen but you know nothing will happen, and that my future will be changed by the amount of time staring at the notes.. maybe not in a negative way, but ultimately what lies on my table has the power to change my future in one way of another. *sigh* the pressures of our kiasu society.

i realise tt nothing really affects me much anymore. or maybe it still does, its just that i've become to adept at adapting (haha so corny.. whatever.) to the situation. i dont know, its like after everything that i've been through (or perceived to have gone through, i think its a big difference) its definitely changed me. looking back at my previous posts... i dont know. have i truly become happy? or is it just an extension of the phases that i was so used to going through.. like an extended period of calm, the upswing somehow lasted longer than expected. or have i just mellowed... to a point that "extremes" dont exist anymore... the distinctions have just become blurred. everything is "okae" and "hunkydory" and whatever.. nothing really special. i dont know. i thought dance was a turning point for me, it taught me so many things and made me learn... then i knew what it meant to be patient.. all that "good things come to those who wait" crap.. i dont know anymore. i guess i'll still remain patient... haha how do u become impatient once you've learnt patience? but im scared now. scared of what i believe, scared of what it all means to me... scared that somehow things dont seem to affect me. its the same old question all over again.. has my heart been dulled... covered with layers of pain and anguish, everything i've ever stuffed aside whenever i say "yeah its okae... nvm its okae..." am i too quick to forgive and forget? how do you know the difference between forgiveness, or the fact that it just didnt mean enough to you?

what if one day your best friend just slapped you in the face, really slapped, over some small little thing? would you forgive, it is your best friend after all, and its just a small thing, or would you expect like some overwhelming apology (im assuming that no apology is forthcoming and the whole deal is "your fault"), and get angry when nothing happens? or would u just let it slide and let things carry on? i guess each response indicates something... but what if u dont even have a best friend to worry about in the first place. nothings permanent and everything just slides on by.. i dont even know what im talking about now :s

you know what the worst part is? im not even remotely depressed... have i lost what it truly means to feel anymore?

i really dont understand what it means to love God.. its so easy to forget.. instant gratification overwhelms long term satisfaction, tts the basis for sin isnt it? its always easy to live for the moment and forget God. everything He does for me... its easy to forget, think "oh i did this myself!" the appeal of the worldy life and the way we just blend in so easily; it all revolves around the tangible, what does faith really mean?

i used to be unable to reconcile my heart and my brain. there were two completely different entities that represented two different aspects of life. but just the other day i realised tt that whole concept has changed to me.. maybe because of patience? praticality? whatever reason.. i found my brain willing my heart to follow its orders, my brain was screaming "dont be depressed!" while my heart was lingering on the borders of depression, and it kinda makes sense. after all, depression is a choice. i firmly believe that, and maybe thats one reason i've been so "happy" lately. but this worries me too.. when everything becomes a choice, dont we lose the true meaning of it all? without depression, what is happiness? when you can start to choose how you feel... it negates everything.

i sound like a broken record... i think all my posts pretty much say the same things :s

just wasted 30 minutes of my time. i can be such an idiot sometimes.




*yawn* think i've finally recovered from my sickness... heh but still damn tired! school is tiring... super brain drain during lit lessons now, i really think i might be getting sick of literature. :s i hate like understanding the requirements of the question, but my essay can never cover the full range of what i understand and what i wish to say... suffice to say, writing is not one of my strong points :p i wish i could type out my exams! like use a laptop or something. i find it so much simpler to type sometimes for then in a sense i can keep up with my thought process... i type a million times faster than i write =p but i guess writing is good too in the sense that it provides the oppurtunity for more thought.. *shrug*

today's weather was killer -_- walking from the lodge to the front gate to the busstop in the sweltering heat was so.. argh! cant believe it was so hot -_- i could feel the sun burning up all my skin cells.. the weather is really irritating now -_- and i cant really use aircon cause i end up sneezing like mad and waking up with blocked nose! :(

oh well... studying hasnt really kicked into full gear yet... but i think the fear factor is starting to kick in heh. after slogging through jc for one and a half years.. might as well see out the rest of it.. *sigh* sometimes i really wish jc was one more year.. or that i could slow down time or wind it back abit... i just wish there was more time. the end of school is coming... i dont know whether to rejoice or to dread it.

take my photo off the wall if it just wont sing for you
cos all that's left has gone away and theres nothing there for you to prove
oh, look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone
oh well it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won

it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won





i wonder if im ever going to get well... took a pinkslip today still felt feverish and coughing up a storm as well bleh. at least i managed to get a nice long 4 hour nap today... *heh* slp is good rest for the soul... and the body :p

econs is boring! ok maybe some aspects of it are interesting.. but otherwise its just like blahblahblahblah. heh. i'd be more interested in taking a subject called "current affairs" hahaha =p econs seems to be like this mess of maths and current affairs... graphs and equations and statistics together with article clippings everywhere. *shudder* oh well what to do... hope i can finish studying econs this week, then geog the next... and find some time for lit in between :p
econs essay is the first paper... what a way to start :s

ahhhhh wanted to change my blog layout... and start organising my pics (im gonna upload all of them! one day... soon... hopefully... =p) but studying got in the way.. haha hey i covered two sets of notes today! so proud of myself :D can sleep well tonight.. heh wish it was still raining though... rain is good for the soul too! but maybe not so good for the body =p

i need some retail therapy badly :s




my 50th post! *hurray* haha milestone day... =p
its also the 1st of august... new handphone bills! been sending wayyyyy too many messages... i really need to change my plan :s 1000 a month is way over my prepaid 360.. heh

anyway today was boring... again. somethings wrong with all my sundays recently... been really bleh =p and i didnt go to jitterbugs in the end! still sick... stupid me. heh taking medicine now.. you win jac :p but i still believe that sleep is the best medicine! just tt... my pillow sucks. haha and i havent been getting tt much of it... took a 3 hour nap today though, and im still tired. double bleh! studying hasnt really kicked off either... i just cant get into the mood... maybe when i recover fully, and get really scared about the prelims. i think i'm already mentally prepared though... and tt might turn out to be a v bad thing. oh well... i'd better start getting off my lazy butt and ease myself into a studying routine

glad to see im not the only one slacking though... *haha* slackers unite! :p saw andrea and huimin in town on saturday... oops heh made me realise something too. i know a lot of people but like they dont know me? i have a good memory with faces and names... heh. oh well..

on the hunt for a nice jacket now! one of those like "sweater" kinds.. the stupid aircon in class is like blasting away at me whenever its on, and the temp cant be controlled, i think its like forever blasting out 16 degrees cold air at me :s

school is a major waste of time =p

josh. 22. acsian for life

Hpps/Acs(i)/Acjc/Smu SocSc

living life in the fast lane,
missing the smell of roses.
always looking for the stars,
all i see are grey clouds.

learn japanese and french
learn to cook
drive a sporty convertible
travel to japan & europe
rent my own apartment

find God again
fall in love

ashypoo becca chewie clara dawny dalena eugy joy kexian liz luke mich stella tengchi vinia yp zhern aH'04 prompics zoopics

listening to: 周杰倫. My Chemical Romance. Tristan Prettyman.

watching: Lost Season 4. Friday Night Lights Season 1

reading: Thomas Pynchon - Gravity's Rainbow.

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